new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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