Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
