this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
that is very illegal...i love you.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
