Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
