He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
