decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
