I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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