It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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