Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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