I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
