Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
