what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
