True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Text me some of your sweat
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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