Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
