woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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