I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
