You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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