dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
