My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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