I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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