i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
