My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
