At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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