i don't like sucking hair
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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