if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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