she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
