I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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