Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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