We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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