You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
even my farts smell like vagina
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
