Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
