Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
