my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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