Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
