i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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