dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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