On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
