Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
