walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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