this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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