Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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