How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
