my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
