Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
