he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
