Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
