Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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