just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize