I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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