I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
