your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I smell like Dick and happiness
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