So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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