Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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