I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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