i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize