I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
