I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
