my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
