Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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