Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I checked into jail on foursquare
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
