Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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