she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't turn off my feet"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
