so that wasnt chicken after all
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
