I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
