Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
