I hate all girls vehemently.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
try to milk me bitch
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
